And I Never Will
by Lolita Emblem
Summary: A "what-if" sort of story that's based on the idea that Hinata went to talk to Komaeda the night after the first trial in an attempt to better understand why he did what he did. For some reason, the answers surprise him. [komahina if you squint] Warning: mentions of suicide


**Notes: This takes place the night after the first trial and contains vague spoilers for chapter 1. (Also it probably won't make sense if you haven't finished the first trial, haha)**

* * *

"Ah, Hinata-kun, I didn't expect to see you here."

_I guess I can't really say the same to you._

Hinata's fingernails dug into his palms as he clenched his hands into fists. It was true that he had come to the beach for a purpose. But as it was, he only felt capable of glaring down at the dark water lapping at their feet, smoothing out the sand where they stood until it seemed like they hadn't left any footprints behind them.

"It's hard to believe that someone like you would ever want to talk to trash like—"

"That's not why I'm here." His knuckles grew even whiter. "…I just want to know why."

He glanced at Komaeda and saw his head tilted in confusion. "But, I already explained that to everyone during the trial," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I said I wanted to kickstart our School Vacation of Mutual Killing, in order to create a stepping stone for—"

"That's not what I meant!" Hinata interjected. He took a shaky breath, felt his hands tremble slightly. "Why did you… How could you try to kill your friends?"

Although he still wore the same slight smile, Komaeda's expression seemed to darken like a cloud passing over the moon. "Ah, I apologize, Hinata-kun, but it seems you've misunderstood. We're not friends."

Hinata's fingers twitched slightly. _I know that now._ "What?"

Grin still on his face, Komaeda spread his arms out in a sweeping gesture, expression twisting into something horrifying that made Hinata's stomach lurch. "How could such a lowly person like me ever expect to be considered on the same level as all of you guys?"

Hinata grit his teeth in frustration. "That's not how they felt, Komaeda! They thought you were their friend! _I _thought you were—!"

He choked on the last words, wincing.

Komaeda placed his hands in his pockets, gazing at Hinata with an infuriating mixture of pity and incredulity. Hinata turned his head away, glaring at the dark and quiet buildings past the beach as if the island—the situation itself—was where he most wanted to direct his anger.

Yet, he knew whose fault this really was—who had truly deceived him. Even if he averted his eyes from it, the truth was still staring him in the face.

Forcing himself to look up and lock gazes with what he knew to be the true root of his despair, Hinata said, quietly, "I just don't understand how you could choose to kill any of them." _Friends or no, you must care about them._

It was Komaeda's turn to turn away, looking in the opposite direction of Hinata and out over the sea. In a voice more sincere than Hinata had ever heard him use, he said, "Whether you believe it or not, the truth is that I never planned on murdering any of you that night."

Hinata blinked. "You…What does that mean?" _So that's just another thing you lied about? _He felt the familiar tug of anger returning, that stupid feeling of betrayal he hated so much. "Are you saying you brought the knife for _kicks_?" he spat, momentarily taken aback by his own bitterness.

"Of course not! It's just, it's not the place of lowly trash such as myself to do something like that to the symbols of hope." Komaeda's gaze veered back around to focus on Hinata's face, eyes wild and fingers curling as though gripping onto something tightly, desperately. "I was just going to help you reach your full potential! I didn't have to kill any of _you_ to do that."

Hinata blanched as the realization hit him, eyes popping and breath catching as though he had been punched in the gut.

"W-wait… Then, the person you were going to kill was—?"

"Myself! That's right, Hinata-kun!"

"What…?" Squeezing his eyes shut, Hinata gripped the side of his head with his hands as if he was having trouble holding the idea in his head. "That's just…too insane!" _Is your own life really that meaningless to you?_

Komaeda ran a hand through his tangled hair. "Ah, I didn't really expect you to understand, Hinata-kun. Much like how the others reacted in shock when I said I'd gladly become a murder victim for the sake of anyone who—"

"Stop saying that!" Hinata was interrupting again, but Komaeda just closed his mouth and looked at him with that same damnable expression of almost-pity on his face. "I hate it when you say things like that!" As he said this he took a step forward in the sand, unsure if his anger was directed at the person in front of him or their words. "I seriously can't stand it when you talk about yourself like that! It drives everyone crazy! Don't you—?" _Don't you feel anything? _He couldn't finish the thought out loud, hoping it was understood.

"The fact that you would care about the useless feelings of someone like me…That's what makes you so great, Hinata-kun! That's why all of you are so much greater than I could ever hope to be…"

Hinata wanted to scream. "Did you understand anything I just said?"

Komaeda shook his head in resignation. "Someone like me can't even hope to understand you guys until I'm on the same level—until I embody the hope that all of you represent. That's why…I'll do _anything_ for the sake of that hope…even if it means giving you my life."

A cold dread settled in Hinata's stomach as he watched Komaeda give a little wave and turn to walk away down the beach.

_I'm the one who'll never understand, no matter how much I try_.


End file.
